Thursday, August 23, 2012


It's been an intense year of loss.  I'm sure it has been for a few people. 
I'm one who feels the need to take care of people, I have to be busy, I have to have my mind anywhere else.  I remember the week Mike passed, I tried to do anything and everything to keep my mind off of what was happening so that I could stay strong for Tim.  I didn't cry until the middle of the night Wednesday morning, when we found the James Taylor song for his video.  I felt a rush of emotion that I hadn't felt in a long time.  It was one of those confusing moments where I wasn't sure why I felt that way.  I cared about Mike, but I almost felt like I didn't deserve to feel the pain of his death.  Maybe its because I hadn't been in the family very long or that Mike and I didn't agree on much, ever.  I have since experienced these emotions a couple more times with the loss of two more people that I cared about.  

Grandpa Ben passed away in June.  This man meant the world to me.  I think one of the worst things about divorce is saying goodbye to a family that you spent so much time with.  Every Sunday for 5+ years I visited with Ben.  He always saved me a spot on the couch next to him and told me I was the prettiest girl in the room, even if I was the only girl.  He would always say "hello gal" and tell me how proud he was to have me in his family.  I feel like I let him down when I left his family.  He was an amazing man that taught me patience, love, and understanding.  He also taught me the value of family.  I hadn't seen Ben in a few years and he actually lived on my street just two blocks down.  Maybe it was pride that stopped me seeing him after my life changed.  The saddest part was seeing his obituary in June and not having closure of being able to go to a funeral or viewing.  I remember just sitting in my kitchen crying and a flood of memories of an amazing man.  He finally gave in to the cancer that had taken over his body.  Love you Ben. 

Oh Leah.  I can't believe you were 100.  Tim's grams passed away last Sunday.  I think one of the most striking things about Leah is her memory.  She had so many family members and always remembered each one.  She always looked perfect.  Tim and I went to see her last Friday night and even as sick as she was she looked so nice.  She was such a neat lady and I'm glad that she was able to reunite with her hubs and Mike.  We love you Leah.